The Heartache, The Tears, The Anger.....The Blessings!

Im not even sure how to start this blog.  For once Im not sure how to even put in to words what I am thinking and feeling.  In 3 days, it is the anniversary of losing Jadyn.  After being SO excited to find out we were pregnant, going through a LOT of complications, having surgery to make sure everything was okay, and then a few weeks later losing the baby....it all happened so fast.  Even though Jadyn was not planned, we were over the moon excited to be parents.  That excitement soon turned to hurt, anger, and emptiness.  Bill and I had a trip to Vegas planned to get away and have time for us (Dr approved me to go relax and get away).  After having a GREAT few days in Vegas, we were heading to the Airport.  After going through Security at the Airport something just didnt seem "right".  On the way to our gate, I told Bill that I needed to stop and use the restroom.  All I could do is come out of the restroom sobbing and in tears.  Bill not knowing what is happening, I had to tell him that there was blood everywhere and I don't think that Jadyn was okay.  Something just told me that my Baby was gone.  I called my Dr in Oklahoma and she told me that I needed to get checked out.  Well, already on the plane and ready to take off, we flew to Houston and then to Oklahoma City.  Bill kept telling me to stay positive but as a Mom, you KNOW that it isnt possible in that situation.  We drive from Oklahoma City to Lawton and straight to the Hospital.  After looking at the ultrasound, we saw Jadyn but no heartbeat. I felt like they ripped my heart out.  Going home knowing that I was not going to have a Baby was heartbreaking.  I didnt know what to say to Bill and Bill didnt know what to say to me.  All I wanted to do was cry.  After a few days of not talking, we finally sat down and all I could do was break down because that pain was still there.  To this day, I still have all of the heartache, pain, and anger.  What did I ever do to deserve this?  Was God punishing us for something?  There were SO many unanswered questions.

3 months after losing Jadyn, we were blessed to find out that we were expecting again.  It was hard not to tell anyone because we were so excited.  But how could we ever tell everyone again that something could go wrong?  We had checkups, ultrasounds, tests, and medications every week to make sure that we did everything possible to make sure we didnt lose another baby.  Kadynce is my our drama queen princess.  She makes everyday different.

When Kadynce was 3 months old, we found out we were expecting again.  Again, we had to decide if we wanted to tell all of our friends and family from the beginning.  We did.  Just like last time, we did everything possible to make sure that this Baby was going to be safe and healthy.  After thinking that the baby was going to be a Girl (we had the name Kynzee Rose picked out) the Dr told us it was a Boy!  We were over the moon excited, but still so nervous.  Bill picked out his name and that is why we now have a little boy with initials B.A.D.  (Bradyn Allen Denney)  Bradyn is a little daredevil.  Not afraid to do anything.  He definitely keeps us on our toes.  

After having these 2 happy and healthy babies we decided that we were blessed and were done expanding out family.  Bill was fixed first (twice actually) and then I had a hysterectomy.  There are definitely NO more babies for us.  

Nothing will bring back Baby Jadyn.  I try to remind myself that I wouldnt have Kadynce or Bradyn if we didnt go through the experience with Jadyn.  Jadyn taught us a lot of things....and one of those is that everything happens for a reason.  We will NEVER know the reason that things happen, but when something good happens after a heartbreaking situation you have to realize that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  

I will FOREVER miss Baby Jadyn and I will always have the heartbreaking feelings every March 2nd, but when I look in the eyes of my 2 amazing babies that stand in front of me, I am BLESSED!!  <3

Starting the NEW me!!

I am now 5 days post surgery for my breast lift and implants.  It has been a rough few days but I am SO thankful for my Husband.  He has been there for me 24/7.  Making sure I have all of my medicine on time, getting me comfortable to sleep, and even sleeping on the couch with me at night.  I saw the before and after pictures today for the first time and I am SHOCKED!  Im in LOVE with them!  I know that I still have a few months before they will look the way that they are suppose to, but I am already happy with them.  Even though it was a LOT of money, its definitely worth it.  

Bill is my #1 supporter and I cannot be more happy that he has stuck by me through this.  I also have AMAZING friends that have been making us dinner every night to help relieve the stress on Bill.  I will be forever grateful to have them in my life.  <3

Not everyone will want to see but I have attached the photo of the before and after so you can see the difference and why I am SOO excited!!! :)

Yup, I did it!!....

I cannot explain how ecstatic I am to FINALLY feel confident with my body!  I have been working out a LOT so I can get in better shape.  As a reward, my Husband finally gave in and let me have a breast lift and implants!  I NEVER thought that he would let me do it.  After having the consult, I was determined to do it.  2 days later I had my Pre-Op.  2 weeks after my first appointment, I had my surgery.  It has been 3 days since surgery and so far, I couldnt be happier!  I went to the Dr today and got to see pictures before I was all wrapped up after surgery in the OR.  I definitely think I am going to love them!!!  I havent gotten the drains removed yet but I go back in a couple more days to have them out and make sure that the stitches are doing well and will scar pretty well.  All I can think about it the hard work ahead to make sure I get my body to where I want it so I can be that sexy mama for Bill when he gets back from Deployment!  "wink, wink!!"

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow is surgery day!  Im SO excited but definitely nervous!!!  I cant believe I am having plastic surgery done!  Ive waited 3 years for this....It WILL be worth it!  My Husband is my #1 supporter and has been there for me while I am looking in the mirror hating how I look.  He has gave me compliments to boost my confidence but I am my worst critic.  

I have AMAZING friends that live close by and have been great supporters.  They may or may not agree with the surgery but they are still there for me.

The Day Will NEVER Be The Same

Once something, good or bad, has happened on a certain day, you will NEVER forget that day.  I have quite a few of these days throughout the year.  This week, that day is February 19th.  February 19th, 1982 a little Boy was brought in to the World.  I did not know who he was until I was born a few years later.  We were close growing up....of course we had our fights, but we also had lots of happy times.  Just because my Brother is not on Earth to celebrate his Birthday with us now, we still celebrate it.  Every year we have a Bud Light for/with him.  It is a very emotional day for me.  Its hard to believe that a person that was so close to me is now gone.  I can never talk to him and hear his voice, I can't give him a hug....my kids will never know who he was and they won't ever get to experience Uncle Tims silliness.  He was a GREAT person....I just wish that he was able to see that in himself.  Suicide is not an easy topic.  It is hard to explain to my Kids what happened to Uncle Tim and why he isnt here for us to go see.  I have pictures on the wall so they can see them while sitting with Uncle Tim.  My Kids WILL grow up knowing him and the type of guy he was.  

If I could go back 2 years from now, I would tell my Brother how much he was loved by so many people.  A lot of people thought he was a great man.  Sometimes, the thoughts that someone has is not the same as what they think others have of them.  I cant imagine the thought that went in to his head when he made his choices.  How could he just leave?  How could he leave so many people that love him so much?  It was his easy way out.  I know in my heart that he is much happier now.  No more fighting feelings.  No more struggles.  But there are so many broken hearts that were left and now cant mend.  It is not a situation that I wish on anyone.  Its HARD!  Having the feeling of your heart ripped right from your chest is the worst feeling that you can have.  I know that it will take time for my heart to heal.  I struggle.  I struggle being strong.  I may look strong on the outside but I am melting on the inside.  I have to be strong for everyone else.  I have been trying to tell myself that I can not always be strong.  I have weakness and it will show.

I dont want anyone....family or friends....to think that they can not ask questions about my Brother or his Suicide.  I am very open about it.  It is not always easy to talk about but when I do talk about it, it makes me even more proud that he was my Brother.  I will always have my Brother by my side...even though he is invisible.  <3