Stay or Go...

At what point do you tell yourself that it is time to go?  

I don't know that answer.  I am still at a point that I want to stay.  

BUT, I can only hear so many times that he is ONLY staying because of the kids.  Is that fair?  Is it fair for either of us to put our lives on hold because of these 2 small humans?  

Im unsure of that answer as well.  

Can I live the next 13 years (or so) unhappily with a "roommate" just for my kids?  Will the kids suffer if that is the choice?  Will they be happier with both parents in the same house but living an unhealthy marriage or will they be happier with parents split apart and living separately?  

I have been doing tons and tons of research recently to hopefully get these answers.  And each link or book that I read has different outcomes.  

I want to be in this marriage not only for the kids, but to be a Husband and Wife.  But what happens when that is not what HE wants?  

In todays society it seems so easy for men to get up and walk away from their Wife and Kids.  And, this is mostly because the Mother usually gets sole custody of the children.  

After thinking about all of this the last few weeks, it is hard to make a choice.  A choice that is not only best for me but also for my kids.  They are not old enough to help make this choice.  

It is hard to decide what is best in the long run.  Only time will tell.  

But, I can guarantee that I cannot be the only one in the marriage that is putting in 100% effort and still getting none in return.  

You CANT be married for 13 years JUST for the kids.  It is unhealthy and not realistic.  

I guess I can say it is easier for me to have those thoughts because I am worried about the children and their well being.  The Fathers are who can pick up, leave, and only worry about themselves for the life.....not the kids because the Mother is the one taking care of them 99% of the time.

So, whatever the choice may be in our outcome HAS to be for our FAMILY.  Not just the kids.  

My Heart

After 9 years, the lowest part of the marriage has hit.  

I have taken FULL responsibility for the actions that I have done.  100%.  As hard as it was to write down the faults that I did, I did it!  I admitted to what I had done.  I have no answers and to the exact reason why.  The only reason I have was I was trying to fill a void.  A void of feeling that I was worth while.  Feeling like I was good enough for someone.  The motivation to better myself from someone. Those feelings that I was lacking.  The feelings that I was not good enough for my spouse, let alone anyone else in this world.  

Instead of seeking this from my Husband, who I have continuously tried in the past, I went elsewhere.  In the moments when I needed my Husband more than anything, he wasn't there.  His back was towards me.  I NEEDED that assurance that I was what he needed and wanted.  Instead, I got talked down to about my appearance and weight.  Our marriage happiness has been based off of my weight for the past 4 years.  For fuck sake, I grew 3 children in my body in 2 1/2 years!  My body will not EVER look like it did when I met my husband 9 years ago.  I REFUSE to go back to the ways I was in at that time in my life.  I was suffering from anorexia....and all for a man at that time.  To please him!  I have told myself that I can not and will not resort back to those ways to make anyone happy.  

I was being torn down and apart.  Having the ONE person that should love you for you and all that you are tell you that they are not attracted to you was heart crushing!  How could anyone say that to their spouse?  Your spouse is suppose to build you up....instead I was being torn down.  I needed to find motivation within myself to change and better me.

But yet, I continually failed to find that side of myself.  Many times I had pleaded that I needed that from my Husband.  And still, never got it.  

I resorted to someone else for that motivation.  That someone to build up my confidence enough to better myself.  Better what I wanted to be in my life.  

Do I regret these choices that I have made....YES!  If I could take them back I definitely would.  

I have crushed that man that I have whole heartedly loved.  The man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  The man that is my everything.  

And now....he wants nothing between us.  

I cannot walk away from this man.  As many times as my brain says to just GO!  Get out!  Just leave!  My heart has been in this marriage more than any time before.  My heart is telling me to stay.  I love him, I just cant leave.  

Somedays as I sit and just watch my children play and be in their own little world, I am reminded that this man and I created these 2 small humans.  These humans that see EVERYTHING that we do.  These humans that are OUR creation.  These humans that will also be affected by the decisions that we make.  

I have not only made promises to myself, but also to my Husband and to my children.  I WILL BE the best Wife and Mother that I can be.  I have recommitted my life in ways that I never thought I would.  On that one particular day in March, my life was changed.  I cannot say that it changed for the worst because I have faith and hope that this life and marriage WILL work out in the end and we can be stronger than we were before.  



I have re-written vows and promises and hopefully one day I will be able to stand in front of my Husband and say these words to him.  


I, Stephanie Denney, have recommitted myself to you and ONLY YOU.  I do not need or want another man.  I want to be your Wife until death do us part.  You are my inspiration to better myself not only for me, but for us and our children.  I have committed that my life is only for you and me.  When I have an issue or need someone to lean on, I want you to be there.  I want you to be the man in my life.  I have loved you with every beat of my heart and as time goes on, it gets stronger.  Having the moments in our marriage where we were at our lowest has proven to me that I only want YOU.  I don't want or need anyone else.  I want YOU!!  I have chosen you.  You are my Husband and that is how I want my life until I am in the ground.  No other man deserves my love because it is only yours.  You are my soulmate!  You are my forever!  You are my one!  You are all I want and all I need!  I will love you with every piece of me!  I cannot and do not want to live in this life without you.  I want us to share all of our moments TOGETHER, as Husband and Wife.  I love you, and am fully committed to you for the rest of my life.  143BLTS   

Missing him

Today has been a rough day for the kids and I.  We have all been emotionally unstable this afternoon. All 3 of us are missing Bill like crazy!  It has just been one of those days.  We just wish he were here.  Or even his phone call.  Just to hear his voice and reassurance that everything will be okay.  Just to see the kids smile again because they are in their daddy arms.  I can't wait until they have that smile again.  

When the world crashes down

Most people that Bill and I know have already heard that we have been having issues in the marriage.  I have taken responsibility for my mistakes and actions.  But where do I/we go from here?  

There have been a few times in the last 7 weeks that I have wanted to just get up and walk away.  As much as my heart wants to stay I still have moments when my brain says to go.  But yet, I can't.  I can't walk away from 9 years worth of love and memories that I have made with this man.  This man that holds my heart and soul.  This man that has fathered the children that we made.  This man that I am deeply in love with.  

But yet, this is the same man that I ripped his heart out.  I ripped it out and stepped on it.  

Neither of us are perfect.  We have both made mistakes in the last 9 years.  Mine just happen to be more damaging in the long run.  

But yet, I still want this man.  

I have cut ties with ever negative person that was impacting my life.  I have completed changed my mainframe and outlook on life and marriage.  

I have started therapy so I can understand life and the trials that it throws at you...and also how to cope with those issues and get through them.  I have found this a great outlet and resource. 

As many times as I have been told that a divorce is coming, I STILL want this man.  

I want to be with this man for the rest of my life.  I want to be able to get forgiveness of my mistakes and be able to grow a stronger bond and marriage.  

I want a marriage that will last.  I want my marriage to be for him and I.  Not JUST for the kids.  

We created these 2 humans and I believe with all of my heart that they deserve their parents to be together and see that even though there are rough times in life, you can get through it.  These humans are my world and I want the best for them.

As many times as I have been told to just move away, I STILL want this man.

Someday I hope he sees the effort that I have been and will continue to put forth for this marriage.  I see the damage that I have caused and I don't want that any more.  I want to have the marriage that both of us want and deserve.  

How do we ever get past this?  I don't know.  I don't have that answer.  All I know is that it is a day to day process.  I have read quite a few books, done research, talked to therapists, etc.  There is no certain way on how to know if it is repairable.  

It is up to him and I.  

I have continued to tell myself that our friends and family will either support us or they won't.  That is what I believe.  They have that choice.  Just like Bill and I have the choice to divorce or to stay together.  We don't ask anyone to choose a side.  Just support whatever choice we make....for us and for the kids.  

The love that I have for Bill Denney can never go away.  I cannot throw 9 years away.  I cannot walk out on this marriage.  It may be easy for someone else, but not for me.  I will continue to fight for this marriage.  I will fight for this marriage to work and get better until a Judge says we are no longer Husband and Wife.  Until that day, he is my Husband and I will continue to fight for him and his love.  

So yes, I want this man.  I want him more than anything.  I have fought for him harder than ever the last 7 weeks.  And I will continue this fight until he sees that I am not going anywhere!