Most people that Bill and I know have already heard that we have been having issues in the marriage. I have taken responsibility for my mistakes and actions. But where do I/we go from here?
There have been a few times in the last 7 weeks that I have wanted to just get up and walk away. As much as my heart wants to stay I still have moments when my brain says to go. But yet, I can't. I can't walk away from 9 years worth of love and memories that I have made with this man. This man that holds my heart and soul. This man that has fathered the children that we made. This man that I am deeply in love with.
But yet, this is the same man that I ripped his heart out. I ripped it out and stepped on it.
Neither of us are perfect. We have both made mistakes in the last 9 years. Mine just happen to be more damaging in the long run.
But yet, I still want this man.
I have cut ties with ever negative person that was impacting my life. I have completed changed my mainframe and outlook on life and marriage.
I have started therapy so I can understand life and the trials that it throws at you...and also how to cope with those issues and get through them. I have found this a great outlet and resource.
As many times as I have been told that a divorce is coming, I STILL want this man.
I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. I want to be able to get forgiveness of my mistakes and be able to grow a stronger bond and marriage.
I want a marriage that will last. I want my marriage to be for him and I. Not JUST for the kids.
We created these 2 humans and I believe with all of my heart that they deserve their parents to be together and see that even though there are rough times in life, you can get through it. These humans are my world and I want the best for them.
As many times as I have been told to just move away, I STILL want this man.
Someday I hope he sees the effort that I have been and will continue to put forth for this marriage. I see the damage that I have caused and I don't want that any more. I want to have the marriage that both of us want and deserve.
How do we ever get past this? I don't know. I don't have that answer. All I know is that it is a day to day process. I have read quite a few books, done research, talked to therapists, etc. There is no certain way on how to know if it is repairable.
It is up to him and I.
I have continued to tell myself that our friends and family will either support us or they won't. That is what I believe. They have that choice. Just like Bill and I have the choice to divorce or to stay together. We don't ask anyone to choose a side. Just support whatever choice we make....for us and for the kids.
The love that I have for Bill Denney can never go away. I cannot throw 9 years away. I cannot walk out on this marriage. It may be easy for someone else, but not for me. I will continue to fight for this marriage. I will fight for this marriage to work and get better until a Judge says we are no longer Husband and Wife. Until that day, he is my Husband and I will continue to fight for him and his love.
So yes, I want this man. I want him more than anything. I have fought for him harder than ever the last 7 weeks. And I will continue this fight until he sees that I am not going anywhere!
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