My Heart

After 9 years, the lowest part of the marriage has hit.  

I have taken FULL responsibility for the actions that I have done.  100%.  As hard as it was to write down the faults that I did, I did it!  I admitted to what I had done.  I have no answers and to the exact reason why.  The only reason I have was I was trying to fill a void.  A void of feeling that I was worth while.  Feeling like I was good enough for someone.  The motivation to better myself from someone. Those feelings that I was lacking.  The feelings that I was not good enough for my spouse, let alone anyone else in this world.  

Instead of seeking this from my Husband, who I have continuously tried in the past, I went elsewhere.  In the moments when I needed my Husband more than anything, he wasn't there.  His back was towards me.  I NEEDED that assurance that I was what he needed and wanted.  Instead, I got talked down to about my appearance and weight.  Our marriage happiness has been based off of my weight for the past 4 years.  For fuck sake, I grew 3 children in my body in 2 1/2 years!  My body will not EVER look like it did when I met my husband 9 years ago.  I REFUSE to go back to the ways I was in at that time in my life.  I was suffering from anorexia....and all for a man at that time.  To please him!  I have told myself that I can not and will not resort back to those ways to make anyone happy.  

I was being torn down and apart.  Having the ONE person that should love you for you and all that you are tell you that they are not attracted to you was heart crushing!  How could anyone say that to their spouse?  Your spouse is suppose to build you up....instead I was being torn down.  I needed to find motivation within myself to change and better me.

But yet, I continually failed to find that side of myself.  Many times I had pleaded that I needed that from my Husband.  And still, never got it.  

I resorted to someone else for that motivation.  That someone to build up my confidence enough to better myself.  Better what I wanted to be in my life.  

Do I regret these choices that I have made....YES!  If I could take them back I definitely would.  

I have crushed that man that I have whole heartedly loved.  The man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  The man that is my everything.  

And now....he wants nothing between us.  

I cannot walk away from this man.  As many times as my brain says to just GO!  Get out!  Just leave!  My heart has been in this marriage more than any time before.  My heart is telling me to stay.  I love him, I just cant leave.  

Somedays as I sit and just watch my children play and be in their own little world, I am reminded that this man and I created these 2 small humans.  These humans that see EVERYTHING that we do.  These humans that are OUR creation.  These humans that will also be affected by the decisions that we make.  

I have not only made promises to myself, but also to my Husband and to my children.  I WILL BE the best Wife and Mother that I can be.  I have recommitted my life in ways that I never thought I would.  On that one particular day in March, my life was changed.  I cannot say that it changed for the worst because I have faith and hope that this life and marriage WILL work out in the end and we can be stronger than we were before.  



I have re-written vows and promises and hopefully one day I will be able to stand in front of my Husband and say these words to him.  


I, Stephanie Denney, have recommitted myself to you and ONLY YOU.  I do not need or want another man.  I want to be your Wife until death do us part.  You are my inspiration to better myself not only for me, but for us and our children.  I have committed that my life is only for you and me.  When I have an issue or need someone to lean on, I want you to be there.  I want you to be the man in my life.  I have loved you with every beat of my heart and as time goes on, it gets stronger.  Having the moments in our marriage where we were at our lowest has proven to me that I only want YOU.  I don't want or need anyone else.  I want YOU!!  I have chosen you.  You are my Husband and that is how I want my life until I am in the ground.  No other man deserves my love because it is only yours.  You are my soulmate!  You are my forever!  You are my one!  You are all I want and all I need!  I will love you with every piece of me!  I cannot and do not want to live in this life without you.  I want us to share all of our moments TOGETHER, as Husband and Wife.  I love you, and am fully committed to you for the rest of my life.  143BLTS