That one...

Have you ever met someone, became friends, then best friends, and now you don't want to be apart from them?  Living in the Military community, you RARELY find that one or two people that you just click with.  

My personality is very....blunt, outspoken, don't give a shit, no filter, go with the flow type (most of the time)!  Meeting anyone else that has the same personality is....lets just say, RARE!  I have found them though!!!  

My ONE person is Kelli.  When she first came to Cali, I thought it would be a "Hi, how are you neighbor" relationship.  We both came from Okinawa and both have 2 younger kids.  We just....clicked!  There are not enough words to describe her or our relationship.  I know that I can call or text her at any time of day or night and she would be there for me (Ive done it!!!).  Theres not a day that goes by that we don't talk AT LEAST once...and if we miss a day, something is VERY wrong!!  I can text her any emotion or feeling that I am having and she can help me snap out of it or will enjoy the moment with me.  

As I was talking to Bill on the phone tonight (which Kelli did share that enjoyment with me!) we talked about his next deployment.  How will I manage without Kelli??  She has been my boulder (Id say rock, but a boulder is bigger and stronger) through this whole thing.  She has been there through the work ups, the long days, the lonely nights, and the moments when I just need someone to talk to.  Who's house can I just walk to whenever I need that person on this next deployment?  

We will not always be at the same Military base (which sucks!) but I know that anywhere that we will be, we will still be together.....thanks to technology.  

I can't thank her enough for being my ONE.  

Yes, I do have a two, three, four, five....etc.  I thank them all for their support, shoulders, ears, and time.  I can go to any of them at any time with anything, and they would be there for me (usually!).  I love them all and don't want ANY of us to move away from each other!  Why can't we just become our own little cult and move to the desert in our own little community???  

I love you ladies and thank you so much for everything that you do for me/us!!!  <3

Just when you think....

Just when you think you are strong, you feel weak.  Just when you feel like you have everything under control, it all falls apart.  Just when you think everything is going as planned, God has a different plan.  

Somedays I feel like I have everything under control.  Others, I just want to crawl in a dark hole by myself.  The last few weeks have been stressful.  Ive been trying to juggle being a "single" parent, the Kids going to School, all of the housework, the bills, and most of all MYSELF!  I have been trying to workout at the gym at least 5 days a week.  Focusing on myself has been a HUGE change.  Having that couple hours to myself at the gym to just think of my goals and focus on myself has been great.  With Bill being gone, it is the only time that there are no distractions and I can just focus and think.  

Yesterday was a little rough.  Jadyn would have been 5 years old.  I can't believe that it has been so long since we last saw the heartbeat and little face on that screen.  

Im not too sure why but lately, Im just happier by myself.  I love being with my friends, but I have just enjoyed being by myself too.  So many stupid things annoy me lately.....and I don't know why.  Why should the actions of others bother me?  They SHOULDNT....but they have!!  

I don't know if it is because I am in the "anger stage" of deployment....or if its something else.  SO many times that I just want to tell someone to shut the fuck up.  

I just want a timeout.  A timeout from life.  Time to re-check life.  Get things back to "normal".  

God only throws so much at someone when he thinks they can handle it....but I want to throw my hands up.  I want to give up.  Too bad thats NOT an option for me!!!  

Family, Friends, and Fun Times

We have been in Iowa for a month now.  Time is going so fast.  We have a week left here but Im sure it will go fast too.  We have seen lots of family while here and have had some great memories made (and a few to still come).  I love being home with my Family but I miss my Cali Friends A LOT!  Im excited to be back in my house and have our routine back again....but Im going home to an empty house again!  Bill is gone and I HATE that!  I hate not seeing him every day.  I hate not being able to just call or text him.  All of our communication is in words on an email.  I do send him pictures of the Kids almost everyday.....so he can feel like he is apart of our daily activities.  We have sent him 5 boxes so far.....to include Halloween and Christmas/New Years!  The Kids LOVE packing the boxes and being able to decide what Daddy "wants".  The few times that Bill has been able to call have been GREAT!  We have only got to Skype with him once but it was so nice!  It was nice to see his face and actually have a conversation!  Ill be so happy when he is home but knowing that we will most likely go through this again in the near future....SUCKS! 

Im also excited to start training when I get back too.  Ill be working with the Trainer (Jonathan) 3 days a week and then on my own at the gym the other 2.  Then a light workout the other 2 days.  I can't wait to see the results!  :)

  

Emotions

It has only been a few days since Bill left....and its definitely an emotional roller coaster.  I have only teared up a couple times so far, which is good for me!!  Kadynce has been saying that she misses her Daddy a lot and will see him in a long time.  She marks off the days on the calendar everyday...once day closer!!  Bradyn....well, he's having a rough time.  He has cried every day so far because he wants his Dad.  He knows that it is going to be a long time before he sees his Daddy again but he just wants him home.  Its rough on my emotions seeing them get sad.  I just have to take a deep breath and calm us all down.  

Not having my other half in the house.....is weird!  Its quiet.  Its NOT normal!  I hate the silence of him not being home.  

Overall it has been good.  I thought that the first week or so was going to be the worst...if this is, then the rest of the time should be a breeze!!

Finally...the "sisters" are together again

Im so happy!  I had surgery a couple weeks ago to put my right implant back in.  Surgery went well other than my breathing machine kept going off and all of the Nurses kept running over to my bed and telling me to breathe.  I got settled in to bed at home and had 2 caretakers since Lauren was here visiting.  The first couple of days were just a little rough.  I had a drain tube in so it was a big pain in the ass to work around and deal with.  At my first post op appt everything looked great.  We kept the drain in for another week just to make sure it was ready to come out.  We are doing EVERYTHING that we can to NOT have any complications this time!  I go back this next week to have all of the stitches out.  They did scar revision on the left breast and also an internal bra on that side.  They put the implant back in on the right and did a little scar revision.  Im still really swollen on the right side but I am in love with them!!!!  My "sisters" are looking great and can only get better from here!  :) 

Here are a couple pictures from a few days ago.  First one is of me in a bra that I wore before surgery.  The second is just a normal pic (the tape is where the drain tube was).  The third is of the scar revision on the left breast.  The fourth is the incision where the implant was put back in and from scar revision.

 

Under the Knife

Finally, after almost 3 months I will be going under the knife again.  I had my first surgery in February and then the removal in April.  The first week of July is going to be here FAST!  Im ready....but nervous!!  I kind of know what to expect, but every surgery is different.  I love my Dr!  I couldn't have picked a better Dr or Nurses.  They have all be more than amazing through this whole journey.  My Husband and Girlfriends have all been by my side through all of this as well.  I have TONS of support from my Parents, which is SUPER important to me!  I can't imagine not having anyone by my side throughout this journey.  They all help me get through the rough moments.  I can't wait until after surgery when I can feel normal and not like a "freak show" with 2 different sized boobs.  Sometimes I get self conscious about it and think that everyone can notice....when they probably can't!  Im not ashamed to tell anyone my story.  It is a bad thing that happened at no fault of anyones.  I have to deal with it.  And I have.  Im much stronger because of it.  BUT....Im SO excited to have this surgery over with.  :)

Love...

Im truly madly deeply in love with Mr Bill Denney.  He makes me complete.  When I am sad, he knows how to make me happy.  When he is gone, half of my heart is missing.  There are not enough words to describe how much I am in love with this man.  He is my whole world!  I can't think of anyone else that I would rather live the rest of my life with.  We don't always see eye to eye....but we work hard to stay happy and not fight.  We work everything out together.

Every morning, when his lips meet mine makes me know that everything will be ok.  The day will be great!  The little texts during the day to let me know that he is thinking of me...they make me get butterflies in my stomach.  The garage opening and Bill walking in the house....makes me realize that he is home and safe.  The moment when his hand meets mine while laying in bed watching TV...those cuddles are the best!!!  

How will I ever go without these little gestures while Bill is gone?  He's my rock.  Im not too sure how emotionally frail I will be.  Not having him home for a couple weeks at a time is not all that bad.  BUT, this time it is going to be for a LONG time.  How do I prepare myself to not have him here to lean on?  

When Bill is not home, I rely a LOT on my girlfriends.  They keep me sane.  I have NO clue what I would do without them.  Kelli, Allison, Dana, Erin, and Brandi...these girls are more like my Sisters.  We can and have talked about anything that we want to.  There are some TMI topics....but we all understand.  

I know that I can call on them at any moment and they will be there for me.....no matter what!  These girls are not my best friends, they are my Sisters!  We have developed amazing relationships.  It is so hard in a Military Community to find Women who are like you.....well, I have found 5 other crazy bitches!  We are our own type of special!  :)  Im not too sure what I will do when we all have to move.  We can't all stay here in Cali forever.  It is definitely going to be a sad, sad day.  Im sure that we will all cry!

These Girls definitely step in Bills spot when he isn't home.  Well, not all of Bills duties are fulfilled by them....wink, wink!  I love them like my sisters and they are all special to me.  My Kids are SO attached to all of these girls (and their families).  It will be heartbreaking when we are no longer all in the same neighborhood (except Dana).  

Girls....I love you all and I thank you so much for being in our lives.  You make everyday more special than the one before!  And....I love you all for making every day unique in our own kind of way!  :)

Bill...I love you with all of my heart and more.  I can't imagine my life without you in it!  You are my soul mate.  We will get through this Deployment....and be stronger than we are now.  Just don't forget....Im always your Lobster!  <3    

Easy??...Sadly Mistaken!!!

Who ever said that it was going to be easy to be a Wife...of a Service Member?  

Obviously that person is NOT a Spouse!  It is not the easiest job....but most of us love it!  Yes, there are good things about this "job"....medical insurance, most have a nice house, etc.  The pay....well, thats a different story!  I don't think that the pay is enough for what our "Guys" do.  (Yes, I know that there are Females in the Military, I was one, but I am now speaking as a Marine Wife)

This job is definitely stressful.  When will he be home, will he be home in time to eat dinner with the family, will he work all weekend or get to have time with his kids, when is the next TAD/Deployment.....these are all questions that we have on a day to day basis!  SO many nights Bill comes home to dinner in the microwave or fridge to heat up.  I feel horrible when he can't eat with us as a family, but Id rather not eat dinner at 7-8pm.  Bill tries to be as involved as he can be after he gets home from work.  I know that he works hard during the day and that he is tired by the time he gets home....but he still has us to spend time with.  The Kids LOVE spending time with Daddy.  That is the highlight of their day.....and mine (for once they will want to be with him and not me and I get a few minutes to myself!)  

With time getting closer to this deployment, I have realized that I am NOT ready for him to leave!!  It is going to be a hard time for all of us, and Im not ready for it!  How do you mentally tell yourself that you will be without your Husband for that long of a time?  How do I not feel guilty for having all of this time with the Kids and him not be with us?  He will be who knows where busting his ass and we will be back here having a fun time doing whatever we want to do.  Its not fair....but, we chose this life.  

I get very emotional thinking about my Husband being gone for a long period of time.  I think of how unfair it is to the Kids to not have him around on a daily basis.  How do you explain to 2 young kids that Daddy won't be around for a LONG time?  Bill and I are doing everything that we can possibly think of doing to prepare them, and us, for this.  Last deployment was a little easier.  Kadynce was young enough so she didn't know what was going on and Bradyn was born while he was gone (a very sucky thing!!) but it was easier since I didn't have to explain to them everyday why Daddy wasn't there.  This time they are old enough to know that he won't be here.  We have started making calendars so they can keep track of how long Daddy is gone.  We plan to get a World Map so they can "track" him.  We also plan to do fun things like send an Elf on the Shelf to him so the Elf can make sure that Daddy is being good for Christmas.  Kadynce is already looking forward to making Bills Homecoming sign.  She sees the neighborhood ones hanging on garages and gets excited that her Daddy will have one too.  

Having the Kids involved and understand what is going on definitely does help sometimes.  I love being able to talk to them about it and help them get through it.  Kadynce knows that it is okay to be sad and cry when Daddy is gone.  Bradyn gets sad at night because he wants cuddles from Bill but he knows that its okay to get sad too.  We try to all comfort each other when we get sad.  The Kids know that I too get sad and need to cry.  

Somedays, I do hate this job.  But most of the time.....I wouldn't have it any other way!  We have made this life for us and our family and we are making the best from it!        

Reflection...

As I sit here and reflect on this last week it makes me.....emotional. 

Having my Husband away doing training and only being able to communicate through email (which I am grateful for) and having SO much happen within a day...adds to the everyday stresses.  Having so little time to decide what in life is mot important to grab is a VERY hard choice.  I grabbed the few things that I knew off the top of my head, the dog, the kids, and myself.  That was the most important.  

The first people I could think to call were my Mom, Dad, and Bills Unit.  Within 20 minutes Bill had called and said that he heard there was a fire on the news and wanted to make sure we were okay.  We were on our way to our evacuation site so I pulled over and tried to calmly explain what was going on.  After talking to him, I knew that everything would eventually be okay.  It may not have been at THAT moment, but it would be.  We got to the Gym, signed in, and met up with some of my bestest friends.  We all waited....and watched as the fire got larger and closer to our homes.  We could see the thick, black smoke and even flames from the gym.  On the inside, I was a mess!!  Trying not to break down and cry in front of the Kids was SO hard.  I just wanted to melt.  Having my Girlfriends there helped a lot!!!  We all tried to stay calm and just go with the flow....not knowing what was going to happen next.

After a few hours at the Gym, we were told that we would not be returning home that night.  A few of us got a hotel room in San Diego and drove there for the night.  It was nice for us adults to stick together not only for our sake, but also the Kids.  We needed to keep them as calm as we could and being together was the best option.  After very little sleep for all of us....ok, well the Kids got good sleep, we walked a little ways to eat breakfast.  It was nice to get out of the hotel and tai our minds off of all of the chaos.  After IHOP, we went shopping.  We then decided to head back to Base and see the status of our neighborhood.  We knew that about 40 power poles were damaged and needed replaced before we could return.  Almost back, I got a phone call saying that we can return home.  Feeling nervous, I drove straight to the house.  After pulling up to the house, I had a sense of relief.  Our house was still standing.  

Walking in my house and realizing that I could have came back to nothing was very overwhelming.  There are so many things in my house that I cherish and would love to take with me.  Too bad there is only so much room in an SUV.  

We still had fires that were close to our area so new bags were packed and ready.  Things that I had forgotten the first time were grabbed and by the door.  I wasn't able to grab Tim the first time, so he was one of the first things ready to go if we had to leave again.  Yes, I do believe that his presence helped keep me as calm as I could have been and kept our houses safe.  

I explained to the Kids everything that was going on.  Why the air was smokey and the ash was falling from the sky.  We watched one of the fires from our living room window.  We even sat down and prayed (my Kids aren't use to that).  We wanted everyone to be safe and not get hurt.  There were plenty of questions from the Kids and all I could do is answer them the best I could.

Going to bed that night was difficult.  Would we be okay for the night or would we be woken up to have to leave again??  We were able to sleep all night and not have to leave.  By that next morning, the smoke and ash was clearing the sky.  We were finally able to stand outside for more than 30 seconds without out noses and throats burning from the smokey air.  

As time went on, the danger slowly went away.  Which means the stress was slowly going away as well.  We still have bags packed and ready.  I think this whole experience put us all on our toes knowing that we really weren't prepared.  

Being able to get a phone call from Bill everyday during all of this has definitely helped.  I know that he was stressing out and worried about us.  He must not know that us "Stroller Mafia Bitches" can handle anything that comes our way when our Husbands are gone!!! :)
                      

The Greatest Gift

Sometimes, people take life for granted.  

I love to live life to the fullest.  Try anything once.  Go travel.  Do whatever I want to do.  ONLY because life is not always guaranteed tomorrow.  Life is too short to not be happy!  

I have a GREAT life.  I have a beyond amazing Husband and two wonderful kids.  I can't imagine my life without them.  They have all 3 taught me how to live life and be happy.  My Husband may drive me bat shit crazy sometimes and the kids make me want to poke my eyes out with a fork.....but I still look at them everyday and thank them.  Thank them for who they are so I can be who I am!!  

Losing Jadyn taught me a lot of things.  But most importantly....theres no guarantee on life.  It can be taken from you in an instant.  

With the job that my Husband has in the Military, anything can happen.  He could be gone tomorrow....and I have NO CLUE how I would go on in my life!  We cherish the time that we have together....knowing that someday it may never come again.  Nobody can see in to our future and tell us what lies ahead.  Enjoy it now or regret it later!

The greatest gift that I have been given is to be a Mother.  To be the person to parent my Kids and help raise them to be great people in our society.  It is not always an easy job, and they usually try to make it harder, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I love staying home with them and seeing them grow in to amazing, smart, and talented Kids.  <3

Sh!t Happens....deal with it!

Sometimes life throws you lemons...and you make lemonade (add vodka and we will have a party!!)  Sometimes life throws unexpected curves to your plan....and you just have to deal with it.

These last few days have made me realize how sometimes we take things for granted.  Having an appointment and expecting the best but having the worst happen, is not what anyone wants.

Walking in to the Dr, I had good thoughts and thinking everything was going to be okay.  After the Dr came in and looked at my right breast, we came to the conclusion that our only option at that point was to remove that implant.  The left is doing AMAZING!  It has healed wonderfully and looks great.  The right....well, it was having LOTS of issues.  We have battled the same incision spot for 7 weeks and hoping that it would heal on its own.  It hadn't happened.  THIS was the ONLY option.  

The feelings that immediately came over me were overwhelming.  The first thought..."is this REALLY worth it?"  Who in their right mind would voluntarily go in for surgery knowing that this could happen?!  I DID!  And I DONT REGRET that choice.  This procedure has definitely made me love myself more.  Yes, I only have one perfect breast...for now!  I have accepted that this takes time.  Once my body heals from the removal, we will go back in the OR and put the implant back in.  It may take 3 months, or 6 months...and I am okay with this!  My body needs to heal.  It was a HUGE surgery that I underwent at once just so I can love myself and feel better about myself.  

Was it worth it...YUP!  Id do it again in a heartbeat!  Just because I had one removed, doesn't mean it is the end of the world.  I will have it put back in...in time.  

The first couple days were very emotional.  My Husband wasn't here, I now have to walk around with my breasts different sizes (465 cc difference!!!), I had to rely on my best friends for helping me with my kids, helping around my house, or anything for that matter!!  Having these girls around me is the best medicine!  They can make me laugh like nobody else.  They are there to comfort me, hug me, for me to lean on, cry to, scream at, yell to....anything!  They are all my Husband when he is not here and I don't think I could find any other Ladies to be just as amazing as these ones are!  

Standing in front of the mirror...looking at myself...thinking whatever comes to mind.  All I can think is that I am still ME!  Im still just as beautiful even though one side is perfect and one side isn't...yet! The Dr gave me an implant insert that I could wear in my bra if I wanted to.  I put it in, and took it right back out.  I feel more awkward with it in.  Im okay with how I look for now.  This is a bump in the road and if it means walking around with one big boob and one little boob...so be it!!  Im okay with it.  

Does this suck??  Hell yeah it does!  Thinking that this surgery was the cure all for my low self esteem and then 7 weeks post surgery having to have one removed....yup, sucks a big fat one (and not in a good way!)!!  Shit happens, and I am dealing with it. 

Bill has been amazingly supportive through all of this.  From the moment I decided to go for the surgery until....well, he is still supportive!  He's been a huge rock for me.  HE keeps me in reality.  That is isn't that worst that could have happened.  It could have gotten WAY worse and the outcome that we are wanting could have never happened.  He keeps me having positive thoughts about all of it.  No, he won't see the new boobs before he deploys.  Guess that will be one more thing for him to look forward to while he is gone!  

The Kids...well, the know that I have an owie.  Kadynce is definitely my cuddle bug when she knows that I am not feeling well.  She saw my stitches and then had to ask a million questions.  I am very open with her on what has happened and what will continue to happen.  She is a HUGE helper when I need help with anything.  Bradyn...he don't quite understand.  He just always asks if I am okay or if I am sick.  He loves to cuddle too....and his hugs and kisses always make me feel better.  <3

And then there is Kelli, Allison, and Dana!  Dana is amazing for keeping my kids overnight the evening that I had the implant removed.  My Kids love going to her house to play and hate to leave!!  Dana helped SO much emotionally before, during, and after all of this.  I can't imagine the emotions that I would have if it weren't for her.  Allison made me and the Kids breakfast, lunch, and dinner the day after.  She helped clean the house, do laundry, unload/load the dishwasher, and help look after the Kids.  (by the way....her chicken salad was AHH-MAZING!!!)  And then there is Kelli....!!  Kelli has kept me grounded through all of this.  She's AMAZING!  She is the one that drove me to the Dr for all of this.  She sat next to me, helped wipe my tears, and made me realize that it wasn't all that bad.  She keeps me laughing and going everyday.  She has taken the Kids so I could get some rest when I was in pain.  If there is ever anything that I need, I can call her and she would be here! (I know the other ladies would be too!)  Theres something about a relationship with these ladies that I NEVER want to change.  I never want any of us to move.  If one moves....we all move....TOGETHER!  LOL  Having these Girls has made me realize that this journey that I am on, isn't all THAT bad!  

As Kelli says...."Raise the Roof", "Come at me Bro", and "Suck it up Buttercup"

Shit happens....deal with it!  It may not be as easy as you think, but where there is a will, there is a way!  

BEFORE/AFTER in OR

2 Weeks Post Op

4 Weeks Post Op

6 Weeks Post Op

  

7 Weeks Post Op/Removal of Right Implant

Yup...they are STILL worth it!

Even though I am now 7 weeks post surgery, I am still struggling!  The left side look AMAZING!  The right side...well, it is having a HARD time recovering.  Where the incisions T intersect, it isn't closing.  I have been going to the Dr 1-2 times a week for check ups.  Over the weekend I had started having a massive amount of drainage.  Instead of waiting until Tuesday to see the Dr I now have to go on Monday....and have a Driver just in case I have to have surgery or any other procedure where I wouldn't be able to drive.  GOOD thing I have AWESOME friends that can go with and that can watch my Kids since Bill is gone.  Im hoping for the best and not have to have surgery but I will do whatever I have to so I can heal.  Fingers crossed for just stitches!  haha

Ill definitely keep everyone updated as I hear what will happen!  :)  

a BIG pile of ROCKS!

Theres nothing more frustrating than feeling completely overwhelmed and out of control with everything going on around you.  Theres a point when enough is enough. 


As a Military Spouse, we CANT give up!  We CANT just take a vacation to relax and get away from life....as much as some of us Girls want to disappear and land on a beach with a glass of wine in hand.  When our Husbands are gone, we are IT!  We are the Taxi, House Cleaner, Accountant, Chef, Teacher, Nurse, Boss, House God, but most of all....a Mom and still a Spouse.


I definitely believe that God only throws what he thinks you can handle.  I think my pile is as tall as I am.  With my Husband being gone for only a couple weeks at a time, every couple of weeks, it gets rough.  As soon as we get settled in to our own routine....BAM....Daddy comes home.  Then we have to change our routine again. 


The "pile of rocks" that are on a Military Spouse during a Deployment, is never ending.  As soon as rocks start falling off, more and more keep being added.  There is ALWAYS something happening while the Husbands are gone. 


The friends that I have made over the last 4 years are PHENOMENAL!  If there is EVER ANYTHING that I need, one of them is right here helping...any time...day, or night!  I know that I can lean on them for advice, tips, help, or just some girl time.  Anytime I feel the rock pile getting out of control, they are there helping me knock some off.  I am extremely blessed that I have them.


Not all Military Spouses have friends that can help them when the Guys are gone.  I guess Im one of the lucky ones that not only has 1, but a HANDFUL!  I am always one of the first to volunteer help for anyone else, but the LAST one to accept help.  I don't want to feel like a burden on anyone.  Id rather struggle and do it myself than ask for help.  It is something that I am definitely working on since I have all of these friends that are amazing and willing to help.


 


Over the next 8-12 months, I will be trying to write more and more on the blog.  Updates on how Bill is doing on deployment and also how the Kids and I are managing with him being gone.      

Girlfriends...more like Sisters!

Being in a Military community brings some bad things but also good things. One amazing thing that I have been blessed with is AMAZING friends.  I cant even tell them how lucky I am to have them. I could call any of them for any reason and they would be right here. The love and support that we have for each other is great. I love them like they are my Sisters. So, to Allison, Kelli, Erin, and Dana....thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you. For being an awesome person and a great friend. We are all VERY similar (its kind of scary actually) and I couldnt have asked for better Girls to hang out with, talk to, cry with, have lots of laughs, and also a few drinks!!  Again, thank you for being you!!  Stroller Mafia Forever!!!  :)

That little touch...

When you are a Military Spouse, you may go long periods of time without seeing or touching your Spouse.  Every moment I have, I want to be able to put my arm on or next to my Husbands.  I want to hold his hand, rub his neck, be cheek to cheek.  

Every time my Husband takes a trip, I fall more and more in love with him.  Seeing him for that first time when he walks in the house gives me butterflies.  Any little touch that I can have makes my heart warm and I feel his love.  

Sitting next to or across from him at dinner and looking up to see him looking at me....ahh, butterflies!  These are the moments that Melt my heart. These are the moments that assure me that he is my Soul Mate and my forever!

My love for my Husband grows stronger and stronger everyday.....even more now that he wears his sleeves up on his cammies (soo sexy!!).  I cant imagine not having him in my life.  

How do you know its love.....???  When you have all of these feelings for a person that can leave for months at a time, makes you feel like a Queen, and is the BEST Daddy in the World to all of our Kids.  Going to that bar that night was the BEST choice in my life.  Hes my everything. <3

How will I ever...??

How will I ever get throught this deployment??  It is defiitely going to be rough.  Kadynce is already asking questions that I havent quite figurd out how to answer.  Its going to be rough since we wont have a lot of communication with Bill.  

Bill is my whole world....how can I function without him?  Its almost like he is my arm...or my leg.  Theres a huge part of me missing when hes gone.  Im sure that I will have great days.....but I do know that I will have very sad and emotional days as well.  

Bills training schedule is starting to get crazy busy.  He will be gone more than home and the Kids just dont understand that yet.  Im SO thankful for amazing friends close to us to help time go by and help keep us occupied.  We have activities planned to help entertain us. 

This will be a deployment that I will rely on a lot of my friends and family just so I can cry, or talk, or just sit and eat ice ream on the couch with!!  

We WILL make it through this....it wont be easy, but its possible!

The Heartache, The Tears, The Anger.....The Blessings!

Im not even sure how to start this blog.  For once Im not sure how to even put in to words what I am thinking and feeling.  In 3 days, it is the anniversary of losing Jadyn.  After being SO excited to find out we were pregnant, going through a LOT of complications, having surgery to make sure everything was okay, and then a few weeks later losing the baby....it all happened so fast.  Even though Jadyn was not planned, we were over the moon excited to be parents.  That excitement soon turned to hurt, anger, and emptiness.  Bill and I had a trip to Vegas planned to get away and have time for us (Dr approved me to go relax and get away).  After having a GREAT few days in Vegas, we were heading to the Airport.  After going through Security at the Airport something just didnt seem "right".  On the way to our gate, I told Bill that I needed to stop and use the restroom.  All I could do is come out of the restroom sobbing and in tears.  Bill not knowing what is happening, I had to tell him that there was blood everywhere and I don't think that Jadyn was okay.  Something just told me that my Baby was gone.  I called my Dr in Oklahoma and she told me that I needed to get checked out.  Well, already on the plane and ready to take off, we flew to Houston and then to Oklahoma City.  Bill kept telling me to stay positive but as a Mom, you KNOW that it isnt possible in that situation.  We drive from Oklahoma City to Lawton and straight to the Hospital.  After looking at the ultrasound, we saw Jadyn but no heartbeat. I felt like they ripped my heart out.  Going home knowing that I was not going to have a Baby was heartbreaking.  I didnt know what to say to Bill and Bill didnt know what to say to me.  All I wanted to do was cry.  After a few days of not talking, we finally sat down and all I could do was break down because that pain was still there.  To this day, I still have all of the heartache, pain, and anger.  What did I ever do to deserve this?  Was God punishing us for something?  There were SO many unanswered questions.

3 months after losing Jadyn, we were blessed to find out that we were expecting again.  It was hard not to tell anyone because we were so excited.  But how could we ever tell everyone again that something could go wrong?  We had checkups, ultrasounds, tests, and medications every week to make sure that we did everything possible to make sure we didnt lose another baby.  Kadynce is my our drama queen princess.  She makes everyday different.

When Kadynce was 3 months old, we found out we were expecting again.  Again, we had to decide if we wanted to tell all of our friends and family from the beginning.  We did.  Just like last time, we did everything possible to make sure that this Baby was going to be safe and healthy.  After thinking that the baby was going to be a Girl (we had the name Kynzee Rose picked out) the Dr told us it was a Boy!  We were over the moon excited, but still so nervous.  Bill picked out his name and that is why we now have a little boy with initials B.A.D.  (Bradyn Allen Denney)  Bradyn is a little daredevil.  Not afraid to do anything.  He definitely keeps us on our toes.  

After having these 2 happy and healthy babies we decided that we were blessed and were done expanding out family.  Bill was fixed first (twice actually) and then I had a hysterectomy.  There are definitely NO more babies for us.  

Nothing will bring back Baby Jadyn.  I try to remind myself that I wouldnt have Kadynce or Bradyn if we didnt go through the experience with Jadyn.  Jadyn taught us a lot of things....and one of those is that everything happens for a reason.  We will NEVER know the reason that things happen, but when something good happens after a heartbreaking situation you have to realize that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.  

I will FOREVER miss Baby Jadyn and I will always have the heartbreaking feelings every March 2nd, but when I look in the eyes of my 2 amazing babies that stand in front of me, I am BLESSED!!  <3

Starting the NEW me!!

I am now 5 days post surgery for my breast lift and implants.  It has been a rough few days but I am SO thankful for my Husband.  He has been there for me 24/7.  Making sure I have all of my medicine on time, getting me comfortable to sleep, and even sleeping on the couch with me at night.  I saw the before and after pictures today for the first time and I am SHOCKED!  Im in LOVE with them!  I know that I still have a few months before they will look the way that they are suppose to, but I am already happy with them.  Even though it was a LOT of money, its definitely worth it.  

Bill is my #1 supporter and I cannot be more happy that he has stuck by me through this.  I also have AMAZING friends that have been making us dinner every night to help relieve the stress on Bill.  I will be forever grateful to have them in my life.  <3

Not everyone will want to see but I have attached the photo of the before and after so you can see the difference and why I am SOO excited!!! :)

Yup, I did it!!....

I cannot explain how ecstatic I am to FINALLY feel confident with my body!  I have been working out a LOT so I can get in better shape.  As a reward, my Husband finally gave in and let me have a breast lift and implants!  I NEVER thought that he would let me do it.  After having the consult, I was determined to do it.  2 days later I had my Pre-Op.  2 weeks after my first appointment, I had my surgery.  It has been 3 days since surgery and so far, I couldnt be happier!  I went to the Dr today and got to see pictures before I was all wrapped up after surgery in the OR.  I definitely think I am going to love them!!!  I havent gotten the drains removed yet but I go back in a couple more days to have them out and make sure that the stitches are doing well and will scar pretty well.  All I can think about it the hard work ahead to make sure I get my body to where I want it so I can be that sexy mama for Bill when he gets back from Deployment!  "wink, wink!!"

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow is surgery day!  Im SO excited but definitely nervous!!!  I cant believe I am having plastic surgery done!  Ive waited 3 years for this....It WILL be worth it!  My Husband is my #1 supporter and has been there for me while I am looking in the mirror hating how I look.  He has gave me compliments to boost my confidence but I am my worst critic.  

I have AMAZING friends that live close by and have been great supporters.  They may or may not agree with the surgery but they are still there for me.

The Day Will NEVER Be The Same

Once something, good or bad, has happened on a certain day, you will NEVER forget that day.  I have quite a few of these days throughout the year.  This week, that day is February 19th.  February 19th, 1982 a little Boy was brought in to the World.  I did not know who he was until I was born a few years later.  We were close growing up....of course we had our fights, but we also had lots of happy times.  Just because my Brother is not on Earth to celebrate his Birthday with us now, we still celebrate it.  Every year we have a Bud Light for/with him.  It is a very emotional day for me.  Its hard to believe that a person that was so close to me is now gone.  I can never talk to him and hear his voice, I can't give him a hug....my kids will never know who he was and they won't ever get to experience Uncle Tims silliness.  He was a GREAT person....I just wish that he was able to see that in himself.  Suicide is not an easy topic.  It is hard to explain to my Kids what happened to Uncle Tim and why he isnt here for us to go see.  I have pictures on the wall so they can see them while sitting with Uncle Tim.  My Kids WILL grow up knowing him and the type of guy he was.  

If I could go back 2 years from now, I would tell my Brother how much he was loved by so many people.  A lot of people thought he was a great man.  Sometimes, the thoughts that someone has is not the same as what they think others have of them.  I cant imagine the thought that went in to his head when he made his choices.  How could he just leave?  How could he leave so many people that love him so much?  It was his easy way out.  I know in my heart that he is much happier now.  No more fighting feelings.  No more struggles.  But there are so many broken hearts that were left and now cant mend.  It is not a situation that I wish on anyone.  Its HARD!  Having the feeling of your heart ripped right from your chest is the worst feeling that you can have.  I know that it will take time for my heart to heal.  I struggle.  I struggle being strong.  I may look strong on the outside but I am melting on the inside.  I have to be strong for everyone else.  I have been trying to tell myself that I can not always be strong.  I have weakness and it will show.

I dont want anyone....family or friends....to think that they can not ask questions about my Brother or his Suicide.  I am very open about it.  It is not always easy to talk about but when I do talk about it, it makes me even more proud that he was my Brother.  I will always have my Brother by my side...even though he is invisible.  <3