The Day Will NEVER Be The Same

Once something, good or bad, has happened on a certain day, you will NEVER forget that day.  I have quite a few of these days throughout the year.  This week, that day is February 19th.  February 19th, 1982 a little Boy was brought in to the World.  I did not know who he was until I was born a few years later.  We were close growing up....of course we had our fights, but we also had lots of happy times.  Just because my Brother is not on Earth to celebrate his Birthday with us now, we still celebrate it.  Every year we have a Bud Light for/with him.  It is a very emotional day for me.  Its hard to believe that a person that was so close to me is now gone.  I can never talk to him and hear his voice, I can't give him a hug....my kids will never know who he was and they won't ever get to experience Uncle Tims silliness.  He was a GREAT person....I just wish that he was able to see that in himself.  Suicide is not an easy topic.  It is hard to explain to my Kids what happened to Uncle Tim and why he isnt here for us to go see.  I have pictures on the wall so they can see them while sitting with Uncle Tim.  My Kids WILL grow up knowing him and the type of guy he was.  

If I could go back 2 years from now, I would tell my Brother how much he was loved by so many people.  A lot of people thought he was a great man.  Sometimes, the thoughts that someone has is not the same as what they think others have of them.  I cant imagine the thought that went in to his head when he made his choices.  How could he just leave?  How could he leave so many people that love him so much?  It was his easy way out.  I know in my heart that he is much happier now.  No more fighting feelings.  No more struggles.  But there are so many broken hearts that were left and now cant mend.  It is not a situation that I wish on anyone.  Its HARD!  Having the feeling of your heart ripped right from your chest is the worst feeling that you can have.  I know that it will take time for my heart to heal.  I struggle.  I struggle being strong.  I may look strong on the outside but I am melting on the inside.  I have to be strong for everyone else.  I have been trying to tell myself that I can not always be strong.  I have weakness and it will show.

I dont want anyone....family or friends....to think that they can not ask questions about my Brother or his Suicide.  I am very open about it.  It is not always easy to talk about but when I do talk about it, it makes me even more proud that he was my Brother.  I will always have my Brother by my side...even though he is invisible.  <3